Dear Australia,

No, you are not the centre of the universe. You are a continent with an island mentality. I have no fucking idea who that Australian “celebrity” you just name dropped is, nor do I care. Stop looking horrified, your daytime TV celebrity is genuinely of no importance to anyone anywhere. No you cannot just claim that “The Piano“, Pavlova and Peter Jackson are Australian (you can have Russell Crowe). And no, you do not have to pay for the ambulance service everywhere else in the world. Oh, and the reason no terrorist attacks other than that carried out by a racist loony in Port Arthur have happened is because honestly you are at the arse end of the world.

Cheers & Beers, Surf & Turf, Reef & Beef,
The jaguar python.