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Jaguar Python

~ Probably a poisonous snake living in Australia

Jaguar Python

Tag Archives: Relationships

People are just too much for me sometimes

06 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by jaguarpython in Relationships, Social Issues

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Dating, friends, friendship, neediness, needy, Relationships

I’m not really very good at dealing with needy people. Part of the reason is that I myself am an intense person. But I’m not enthusiastic because I have a weird crush on all my friends. I’m enthusiastic because I find things actually interesting or to be passionate about?

And so I collect needy people. And they tell me their problems. Which kind of inspires me to think that maybe I have these needy-people-problems myself. I don’t really care that I’m single right now but all the needy friends do, and so I find myself wondering if there’s something wrong with me.

Then I get anxiety about being single. Except, I don’t care about being single. I’m a little upset that I let myself put on so much weight and that the only people who are flirting with me are very strange. And I’m missing my cats and my friends up here. But being single? I’m only upset about that (in reality) in a sort of theoretical way. Sometimes I read something in fiction featuring being super happy and contented and in love and I feel wistful but that’s about it.

I had a crush on a friend who also likes THE LADIES recently. Anyway she wasn’t interested, which is kind of ok. I’m relieved. The amount of relief was kind of… excessive. But fair I guess since she lives a long way away? And I was so unbelievably anxious and stressed around that time (from moving and needy friends) that I think it was kind of all mushed up into that stuff.

I guess it highlights though just how easy it is to get self-delusional. Or to be oblivious? Who knows.

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The Platonic Break-Up

30 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by jaguarpython in Relationships

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ben pobjie, friendship, Relationships

Ben Pobjie wrote a spot on blog about the heartbreak of having a friendship end.

http://benpobjie.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-platonic-break-up.html

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Trash Magazines Belong in the Trash, Not in a Doctor’s Waiting Room

28 Monday Jan 2013

Posted by jaguarpython in Culture, Dating, Gender Issues & Discrimination, Health, Media Studies, Pop culture, Psychology, Social Issues

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Feminism, Health, media, mental health, pop culture, Pregnancy and Birth, Relationships, Reproductive Health, Waiting room, women's magazines

When I have my own consulting rooms or practice, I’ve made an I think very important resolution. I’m going to throw all those women’s magazines in the recycling. You know the ones, the ones that go on about how celebrities are too fat and too skinny (possibly after they’ve just given birth). The ones that give bogus dating advice about how to manipulate men into relationships and “keep them keen”, as well as terrible, terrible psychological and medical advice.

These magazines are ubiquitous in the doctors’ waiting rooms (as well as dentists, hairdressers, you name it) as well as in hospital tea rooms. I suspect that these publications have acquired some form of replication, otherwise how to account for their huge and expanding numbers?

Why am I on the warpath about these trashy pieces of crap? Because honestly, the advocate for exactly the opposite of good health. Their models are Photoshopped to look unnaturally thin. While at the same time saying that post-pregnancy celebrities are too fat or too thin for looking essentially normal. It’s so exaggerated that it’s mostly laughable if you’re in the know, I guess. But you know, there’s no way to win with The Women’s Weekly or Cleo. It’s a game where the only option, sadly, is to lose.

The relationship “advice” is particularly pernicious. How to dress and behave to “snag” a man. How to appear “hard to get” so as to manipulate someone into liking you. How to “treat them mean” and “keep them keen”. What kind of guys are losers. How to give the best blow job. Are you kidding me? This stuff is the equivalent of male “pick-up artist” forums.

As ever, it all feeds into the idea that “having a man”, “having a wedding”, “having a hot body” and “having babies” is all about “having” an object and means in which to achieve this ends. A profound status anxiety centred around a social materialism where you think of relationships as objects.

As a doctor there is no way that I could ever, ever be comfortable with promoting this sort of unhealthy set of ideas in my waiting room. How can you claim to be treating people on one hand while creating a fountain of expression for this societal disease. I don’t really particularly care if people find this sort of garbage entertaining. It’s going in the bin.

Related articles
  • The “Seduction Community” (jaguarpython.wordpress.com)
  • Thanks for Not Sharing (nytimes.com)
  • Debunking the Dating Myths: The Pickup Artists (sic) (thesocialsocialanthropologist.com)
  • People who should never, ever give dating advice. Seriously. Never. (21stcenturylovetriangle.com)
  • Cosmopollution (vagendamag.blogspot.com)
  • Meet the ‘Nice Guy’ Pickup Artists (jezebel.com)

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The “Seduction Community”

27 Sunday Jan 2013

Posted by jaguarpython in Abusive Relationships, Culture, Dating, Gender Issues & Discrimination, Pop culture, Relationships, Sexism, Social Issues

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Dating, dating advice, Feminism, nice guys, OkCupid, Online dating service, Pickup artist, Relationships, seduction community, Tumblr

There’s an increasing realisation that basically the dudes on those “pick-up artist“/”dating advice” websites are essentially creeps who are targeting vulnerable women for sex.

A lot of these guys are self-styled “nice guys” who evidently would like some sort of a medal for not raping their friends (because they’ve been FriendZoned) and feel super entitled to beautiful, intelligent, sexy women despite their own complete lack of looks, brain or personality. While of course being passed over for actually decent guys who are assertive, interesting and caring.

It was pretty much inevitable that the site “Nice guys of OkCupid” would appear- a Tumblr blog showcasing the “nice guy” bits of the profile as well as the “obviously an asshole” bits. Gold. Sadly, it’s been taken down, however “Fedoras of OkCupid“, which has an amazing amount of profiles in common is still around as is “Friendzoned again” which is probably the spiritual successor.

And then I saw this pile of trash. A “how-to” guide on finding vulnerable women, tricking them into dating you, then emotionally and sexually abusing them. It almost reads like a parody, it’s so bad! Creepy losers of the world, I thought you hid your evils a little better. My bad.

Related articles
  • Tumblr exposes the ‘Nice Guys’ of OkCupid looking for love (dailymail.co.uk)
  • Not all men in the ‘friend zone’ are bad guys | Ally Fogg (guardian.co.uk)
  • The “Nice Guys” of Westeros are on OK Cupid and looking for love (io9.com)

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Gaiman and Palmer

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by jaguarpython in Culture, Dating, Pop culture, Relationships

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Amanda Palmer, couples, creepy, Dating, neediness, Neil Gaiman, Relationships, Tori Amos

Celebrity couples in general don’t do it for me.

A bit of background from me: Neil Gaiman was the author who introduced me to the fabulous world of comics and graphic novels. I read (and now own) Sandman voraciously. I have several of his novels and absolutely adore Neverwhere, Coraline and Good Omens. I used to read his blog.

Amanda Palmer got me excited about piano, cabaret and theatrical music again. I discovered her music at a time when I was thinking about darker topics which her music engaged with. Listening to Coin Operated Boy for the first time on the radio was a revelation. Dirty Business is one of my favourite songs on all time. I used to read her blog.

Neil Gaiman was once married to the mother of his daughters. His stories often capture a love for young, mysterious women and troubled girls and often touch on stories about lesbian and bisexual women. There is a yearning for something. A bittersweet feeling.

Amanda Palmer has had a messy social and relationship history. She started “fooling around with older drug-dealing men” at 14. She had an abortion at 17 and was date raped at 20. She was a starving artist for years. She is openly bisexual. She has struggled with depression. She even drew a map of her soul as a teenager which definitely shows her to be troubled. She had a passionate, difficult on/off sexual, creative, romantic relationship with Brian Viglione, the drummer half of the Dresden Dolls, for which should played piano and sang.

(Interestingly, Tori Amos, close friend of Gaiman and collaborator, is a fantastic creative kooky bisexual piano playing lady who has had a coloured history and was raped after a show. They have never been romantically involved.)

Sometime in 2009, Neil Gaiman started going to her shows and blogging enthusiastically about them. I don’t mean to just shows in his town. I mean A LOT of her shows. In various locations. In fact it was starting to get creepy. Almost-50-year-old-divorced-guy with a crush on 30-something-troubled-passionate-artist (who happens to have similarities to one of his friends).

This behaviour was cringeworthy.

This, by the way was not long after the Dresden Dolls split up. A few months later, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman both announced that they were seeing each other on their blogs and twitter accounts. Rebound anyone?

Within 6 months, they were engaged. Now they are married and spend all of their time apparently touring with each other.

And since they got together they have never shut up about their relationship. From over-the-top public displays of affection to blogging about each other constantly to talking about their sex lives together on twitter. This is not the sort talk that people have about each other online, in public when they are truly in love. This is desperate, annoying, trying-to-convince-everyone-including-each-other behaviour. It’s actually quite obnoxious. I am still a fan of their artistic output but not of their behaviour.

Even if this is an expression of their true love (as opposed to true “wuv”), it’s still obnoxious and irritating.

It’s been enough to convince not just me but quite a few of my friends to stop reading their blogs and twitter accounts. Which is a real shame because when they’re not posting vomit-inducing relationship crap, they have a lot of valuable and interesting stuff to say that we lose out on.

I couldn’t feel any happiness for them as a couple. I only hope that their relationship is for real.

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Uninspiring Come-Ons

14 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by jaguarpython in Dating, Relationships, Social Issues, Technology

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Dating, fuckbuddy, instant messenger, internet, nice guys, online communities, Relationships

Look, men that I am friends with. I know you have some freaky sexual deviations that you want to try out and you kind of look like a ferret/bear/monkey/lizard/other animal that I’m not sexually attracted to. I know that it’s hard to be understood. Oh yes, and you are a workaholic nerd who is “sick of fucking fat white chicks” and that makes the scope of who you can sleep with rather limited. And you miss cuddling but really you just want to fuck.

And the Internet is just so understanding and accessible and stuff. And you can totally communicate with girls you used to know at university, because you meet pretty much no girls.

Still, I’m not sure what particular part of “mostly gay” made you think “hot damn, I am totally in”, but even if I wasn’t, really, I’m sorry but you are still close to the bottom of my freaky fuckbuddy list. And even if it was one of those low self-esteem days that you’re just hoping for, surely IM is the LEAST SEXIEST HOOKUP MEDIUM KNOWN TO MAN.

PUBLIC INTEREST TRANSMISSION: FACEBOOK CHAT, MSN MESSENGER, ICQ, YAHOO CHAT, AIM AND GMAIL CHAT WILL NOT GET YOU LAID.

Well, ok, maybe the last one will. Gtalk is kind of sexxxy.

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Polyamory or “Polyamory”

11 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by jaguarpython in Abusive Relationships, Dating, Relationships, Sexuality & Gender, Social Issues

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Alternative lifestyle, casual sex, Dating, Monogamy, Open relationship, Polyamory, Relationships

I am aware that there are quite a few people for whom polyamory and open relationships work and is a valid lifestyle choice for them. They’re happy with each other and both/all partners are on the same level, not jealous and having fun. I know a few people here and there for whom it works. I’m genuinely happy for them and think the legal system should work in their interest etc.

Too common unfortunately appears to be people who use the terms “polyamory” or “open relationships” to mean “so I have this fall back plan partner who is there purely as a security blanket/to legitimise my life while I go and fuck around on the side”. Often in such situations, the partner who is out there getting laid or dating others has the bulk of the power in the relationship. Not uncommonly they are actually gay, have a fringe sexual fantasy they are playing out (and possibly dragging their partner into), don’t have the balls to break it off with a partner they’re no longer in love with or are insecure and this is the only way they feel confident enough to get casual sex or date. The other partner may not be really polyamorous (and only putting up with it because they love the person they’re with), they may also be in a similar boat to the other partner or the more powerful partner gets weird when they go and get some action.

Also terrible – stating that you are polyamorous in order to score someone you’re into when in reality you’re not and are actually trying to trick then.

This sort of thing is really uncool. Using someone else as a security blanket because you are cowardly or have unresolved issues is incredibly unfair to the person you’re with. It’s not real polyamory or open if you can’t deal with your partner enjoying the same advantages as you. If you don’t love someone anymore, you need to let them go so that you can both find someone else. Coercing others into situations they’re uncomfortable with is particularly uncool. And if in reality all you want is casual sex, well you can just have casual sex.

Then there is the assertion that because cheating is common that everyone is intrinsically polyamorous. I don’t even know where to start with that one.

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Can someone’s intrinsic nature change?

23 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by jaguarpython in Abusive Relationships, Dating, Relationships, Social Issues

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abusive relationships, Cynicism, Dating, mental health, personality, personality disorder, Psychology, Relationships

A couple of people I know have come out of abusive relationships with their personality shattered. I don’t mean that they became more cynical or depressed or something simple like that. I mean that something intrinsic, something really fundamental and core to how they felt and seemed as people just changed, leaving them like hollow versions of their former selves. Or if not hollow, then unrecognisable. With elements of hidden hopelessness and cynicism and blasé distantness and an almost creepy weirdness.

One of the most painful things I’ve seen. The extinguishing of hope.

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